Funny Christian

"Wild Priest"

2007-09-07T03:03:00.000-07:00

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mic, and as he preached, he moved briskly about

the platform, jerking the mic cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the

cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and

whispered,"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

lying

2007-08-20T01:30:00.002-07:00

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

TV Evangelist

2007-08-20T01:30:00.001-07:00

A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangelist comes on

and promises to heal the sick.

"If only you would pray with Him, place your right hand in the
air, and place your left hand on the afflicted area, the Almighty
Lord will heal you."

So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on
his crotch and his wife says "Gee honey he said heal the sick, not
raise the dead!"

Where Is Jesus

2007-08-20T01:29:00.003-07:00

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon

down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and
stands next to the Minister.

The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are
you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him
right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings
him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of
God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is
where he fell in?"

Weird Text

2007-08-20T01:29:00.001-07:00

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park.

He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat
leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh,
a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighbourly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the
blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled,
and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

Sin Of Lying

2007-08-20T01:28:00.001-07:00

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want

you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many
had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.
I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Confession

2007-08-20T01:27:00.002-07:00

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better."

"My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place.
Why are you telling me?"

The guy goes: "I’m telling everybody!"

Converting

2007-08-20T01:27:00.001-07:00

Two Jewish men are walking down the road talking, when they see a sign saying, "Convert to Catholism and we shall pay you $100." One of the men says, "I think I'm going to convert, what about you?". The other man says, "No, I like being jewish. You go ahead and I'll wait for you here." So, one hour passes and the man comes out. The jewish man asks, "Did you convert?". The new catholic says, "Yes, I did." The jewish man then asks, "What about the $100?". The catholic man then yells, "You Jew, you only think of money!"

Clocks in Heaven

2007-08-20T01:26:00.001-07:00

A guy dies, and goes to Heaven. When the guy arrives in Heaven, St. Peter greets him, and says, "Come with me, and I will show you where you will be staying." St. Peter and this guy are walking along side of the golden fence of Heaven, and the guy notices many clocks on the fence. Out of curiousity, the guy asks St. Peter, "What are all these clocks for?" St. Peter smiles, "They are clocks for every person in the world," he says, "And they tick once for each time you lie. There is Mother Theresa's clock! Her clock has never ticked once. There is Abraham Lincoln's clock! His clock has only ticked twice." Again, out of curiousity, the guy asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" St. Peter calmly says, "His clock is in Jesus's office. He is using it as a fan."

ONE LINER JOKES

2007-08-20T00:47:00.000-07:00

for older audiences
(some could be made into short skits)
author unknown

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your stomach unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Definition from Wikipedia

2007-08-17T03:50:00.000-07:00

Funny Christian skits Definition

Funny Christian skits are basically short comedic performances used to entertain. They are derived from skits or Sketch Comedy as defined below by WIKIPEDIA. They are mostly about Biblical characters and also they can be classified as clean jokes which are wholesome and family friendly. They can be use for Preaching as they are clean and mostly used to make the audiences be attentive to here the sermons and message God as preached by Preachers and Pastors. They are entertaining and can brighten up a stressfull day and relieves fatigue. Below is a defenition about skits.

What is a Skit/Sketch comedy?

For information about The Sketch Show TV programme, see The Sketch Show.

Sketch comedy consists of a series of short comedy scenes, or 'sketches', commonly between one and ten minutes long. Such sketches are performed by a group of comedic actors, either on stage or through an audio or/and visual medium such as broadcasting. Often sketches are first improvised by the actors and written down based on the outcome of these improv sessions, however improvisation is not necessarily involved in all sketch comedy.

History

Sketch comedy has its origins in vaudeville and music hall, where a large number of brief but humorous acts were strung together to form a larger program. In England, it moved to stage performances by Cambridge Footlights, such as Beyond the Fringe and A Clump of Plinths (which evolved into Cambridge Circus), to radio with such shows as ITMA and ISIRTA and then to television with such shows as Monty Python's Flying Circus and Not the Nine O'clock News.

Historically the sketches tended to be unrelated, but more recent groups have introduced overarching themes that connect the sketches within a particular show, and recurring characters that return for more than one appearance. Examples of recurring characters include "Ted & Ralph" from The Fast Show; the "Head Crusher" from The Kids in the Hall; Martin Short's "Ed Grimley", a recurring character from both SCTV and Saturday Night Live; "Miss. Swan" from Mad TV; and "Kevin & Perry" from Harry Enfield and Chums. The idea of running characters was taken a stage further in The League of Gentlemen where sketches all centre around the various inhabitants of the fictional town of Royston Vasey.

In America, contemporary sketch comedy is largely an outgrowth of the improvisational comedy scene that flourished during the 1970s, largely growing out of Chicago's Second City. British ensembles, in contrast, have more usually been built on writing talent - with writers often working in pairs.

Notable contemporary stage sketch comedy groups include The Second City, the Upright Citizens Brigade, and The Groundlings.

Notable television sketch comedy shows include Monty Python's Flying Circus, Saturday Night Live, Not the nine o'clock news, All That, The Amanda Show, SCTV, the Upright Citizens Brigade, The Red Skelton Show, The Kids in the Hall, CODCO, Mad TV, A bit of Fry and Laurie, In Living Color, Mr. Show, Goodness Gracious Me, Chappelle's Show, Little Britain, and X-Play.

The latest wave of sketch comedy is being distributed online, from amateurs to organized groups. Millions currently watch sketch comedy on such video sites as YouTube and iFilm.

Festivals

Many of the sketch comedy revues in Britain included seasons at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Since 1999, the growing sketch comedy scene has precipitated the development of sketch comedy festivals in cities all around North America, including festivals in New York, San Francisco, Seattle, Chicago, Los Angeles, Montreal, Toronto, Boston, Vancouver and Portland, Oregon.

Amateurs

Besides such more professional, properly theatrical performers, there is also a tradition of amateur fun. As the whole concept of sketch comedy is meant to be silly anyway it is an ideal form of theater, like pantomime, for simply ridiculous attempts (often involving cross-dressing). There are many purposes: to entertain crowds or troops when no professional entertainment is available, sometimes with a mild hope of fund-raising. It is not uncommon as a task for pledges during hazing (in which case there often is divesting and/or homo-erotic or other sexual elements or suggestion).

This entry is from Wikipedia, the leading user-contributed encyclopedia. It may not have been reviewed by professional editors (see full disclaimer)

Let Him who is without Sin...

2007-08-16T07:46:00.002-07:00

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown out from the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, God ... " Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

The Computer is Down

2007-08-16T07:46:00.001-07:00

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

3 Friends go to Heaven

2007-08-16T07:45:00.002-07:00

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to
Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same
question: "When you are in your casket, and friends
and family are mourning over you, what would you like
to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to
hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of
my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was
a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a
huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I guess
I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!"

Parking

2007-08-16T07:45:00.001-07:00

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short
of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.

So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times.
If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

Adam's Rib

2007-08-16T07:44:00.000-07:00

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Walking Out

2007-08-16T07:43:00.002-07:00

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service,
"when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer.
"Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

I Pray for...

2007-08-16T07:43:00.001-07:00

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the
youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE.
I PRAY FOR A NEW PLAYSTATION. I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said,
"Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

The Bible According to Kids

2007-08-16T07:42:00.001-07:00

The cute statements below are said to have been written

by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected.

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

A cheerful heart is good medicine... Prov 17:22a (NIV)

Acting Up in Church

2007-08-16T07:40:00.002-07:00

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation,
"Pray for me! Pray for me!"

The Church

2007-08-16T07:40:00.001-07:00

A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the
members, inviting them to come to his first services.

The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local
newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent
Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed
coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his
congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.

Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly
lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a
guilty, sheepish look.

In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.

A Sure Cure

2007-08-16T07:39:00.000-07:00

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic.
I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church...
Haven't seen one back since!!!"

Obituary

2007-08-16T06:40:00.000-07:00

Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.
Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill.
Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years,
Someone did far more than a normal person's share of the work.
Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend,
one name was on everyone's list,
"Let Someone Else do it." Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person
was looked to for inspiration as well as results; "Someone Else can work with that group."

It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church.
Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.

Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman.
Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else.
Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do.
Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it?
Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?

When you are asked to help this year, remember -- we can't depend on Someone Else anymore.

Biggest Lie

2007-08-16T06:37:00.001-07:00

A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

3 Chistian

2007-08-16T06:18:00.001-07:00

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.

"Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."